Before 2018

It's December, a month with joy. As the adults busying with their paper work, holiday and semester break sounds so much better for a student like me. Both of the situation is not something new for me. With just a couple months of working experiences, and a couple years of college life experience, everything seems so different right now, to be back as a student again. I've learned my lesson that my life will not goes as what I've planed, but making plan is still important, I guess I'm a person who need a deadline, instead of calling it a "goal", setting my eyes on a deadline makes my life so much more meaningful. Right until now, I hope I can tell you that I'm better, I'm okay. But I know that inside, I'm still not. But I'm not giving up. I'm grateful for this chance, although it is still seems like I'm taking it for granted, but I'll try my best to live the best out of it. I know that I don't have to live to disappoint other people, but most importantly am I disappointing myself? What's going to happen next? I'm still looking forward to it. Every steps I'm taking will turn into a lesson I will learn.

Taking a break

Yes, I'm taking a break from Facebook, Instagram & Twitter.
Because, of course, I've spent too much time on them, and I need time to find myself.

Cringe enough right?
But it's true. I've been thinking about it since half year ago, I manage to get rid of Facebook but then I get really attached to Instagram and twitter. Since the school life is around the corner, new environment is waiting, the last thing I need to do to end my holiday is to click the delete button. And I know this is the best chance I'll ever get. A new start, on everything.

I'm exciting thou, and scare at the same time like I'm thinking how life will turn out to be without social media, am I secretly relying on them too much? And so on. They say it took 30 days to form a habit so I'll just update my thoughts 30 days later..



this is goodbye

It's like some kind of routine. They hug me before they say goodbye, it's like showing me their sympathy. After all the heart I poured in, a hug is the only thing I deserve. I used to cry myself, wet my pillow right after they left. Like I mean right after, it's kinda embarrassing I gotta say. At the moment I was hoping that they can just turn around and tell me that they love me. But it's just some kind of miracle that's not going to happen. We don't really contact each other often as usual after what happened. Sometimes it's just a simple text message of us greeting each other, and thats it. I never get to know whats wrong, what's going on between us, what's inside your mind. I never get the courage to ask for more, to tell you that I miss you. And it hurts. Your touch, your temperature, your kindness, all of the time I've spent with you, showing that I love you. I try not to think, I try to be strong, I try to forget and it turns out that I don't believe in love anymore. How someone will love you back exactly like how I love them. Loyalty and eternity. And right now, like what I always do, I just want to disappear until I feel okay again. I just want to say goodbye. I can't stop my sadness while typing this, I can't stop my tears, I can't stop my heart for ripping apart. But I need to go. I got to move on no matter how hard is this. 

I need to stop

I feel a little bit more better after a months. Two weeks later after everything ends. I start to pick up drawing again, digitally, I own a laptop two days ago, I'm grateful. It clears my mind while doing it, I wonder will it works better if I do it traditionally, if only I have more patience. But still Im in the war of myself. All of these negative thoughts I'm steeping in, it haunts me stiflingly. I need to stop this ceaseless bund. Start from this moment, right now...

Stop dreaming start doing

I've been procrastinating for my ENTIRE LIFE. Like seriously Esther what the hell? When are you going to start doing instead of thinking out loud all the time?? Life is way too short to be lazy, so one day I got ticked, boom, poof, I had enough of myself, I decided to give myself a brand new chance, a fresh start no matter what the result will turns out to be, I'm cracking myself out, ignoring the flow and starting to create my own fate. I want to live my life I always imagined. So here I am saying goodbye to my comfort zone, to the people and place I love, I've decided to start my life again in a new environment with new life goals, literally an actual life goal. And I'm looking forward to smash the shit out of it. It's not going to be smooth and I hope it's rough. If it's tough, it's good. 


I walk home half an hour early today from work. And the view is unexpectedly different.  The indigo coloured sky used to be dark and lonely, the train full of people who can't wait to be home, Muslim praying while the boys are playing basketball. Friday used to be good. It's the day when it comes at night, we sing under the night sky, laugh out loud in the restaurant with good food and good people, meet someone you love and kiss him. But I'm nothing more than a daydreamer right now. Sitting in front of my desk wondering about the possibilities if I didn't push everyone away.

Thoughts about you

and so it goes that all good things come to an end. but how can I say goodbye if all I want to do is to kiss you hard. what should i do if the crave will never be enough. what we have between us is bittersweet, it's complicated yet innocence and beautiful, in not understanding or knowing what it is, or how to deal with it. I've been thinking what if i stay when leaving is the only option, calling out your name silently,  Im all on my own, with the thoughts entirely about  you. What about you? Am I really standing here all by myself? Did I ever cross your mind? 


This is Esther. Welcome to my blog. I've created it since 25th may 2017, where you'll mostly find my lousy writing, pointless photography, unsteady thoughts and feelings. It's a brand new start for me, I want to clear my mind and stuff,  rethink about my life and focus on what I should focus, so I give up all of my social media in order to give myself all the time and space I need. There're time when I want to express myself which lead to this. I'm going to keep my blog running for quite a while.